


To Fear Oneself

by katebishoop



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Boggarts, Dumbledore's Army, Gen, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Self-Hatred, has been edited since, on an account since deleted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-08 05:07:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4291881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katebishoop/pseuds/katebishoop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The DA is learning Patronuses and Harry asks for a Boggart, but he soon regrets it when it turns into what here fears most - Himself and what he thinks he’s becoming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Fear Oneself

“I’m sure you will get it if you just keep practicing.” Harry reassured Lavender after her fifth failed attempt at conjuring a Patronus, then added, “Anyway, I may-be able to get that boggart I mentioned over the Easter holid—”

“Harry,” Neville interrupted him amazed and surprised, “look!”

Harry turned around, “Neville have you got your –”

“No it’s not that Harry,” Neville said a bit disappointed then excited again, pointing to the other end of the room, “look!”

Harry saw it. At the other end of the room was large wardrobe with curved sides and a rounded top. It was of dark brown wood and dirty old mirrors on its front, and a slim mirrored door with two gold handles. It was shaking; as though something inside it was trying to break free.

Everyone was now looking at the rattling wardrobe. Harry was sure he had seen it somewhere before though.

Ron was the first to speak, “Harry, I think that the cupboard that Lupin had shown us in the staffroom during our first lesson. Remember? The one with the boggart we had to finish off?” he asked looking at it curiously.

“Yeah… it is! But what’s it doing here?” Harry remembered walking closer to it as some people had backed away from the cabinet.

“Harry don’t you see?” said Hermione stepping forward, “The Room of Requirement equips itself to the seekers needs when they truly need it! You asked for a boggart Harry, and now you’ve got one!”

Harry walked closer, but still a safe distance away. “Well… that’s great then!” he said a bit dumbfounded turning to face everyone then asking, “Now who would like to try first?”

Everyone looked at Harry a bit confused. “You’re our teacher,” said Zacharias Smith, “so should you be the first to go, to you know,  _show us how it’s done?”_  he was full of irritation on how Harry had not seen this.

“I-I-I… can’t really,” said Harry looking up at the ceiling. Smith was about to open his mouth but George elbowed him in the face. “I faced them and well I am over it really. I cannot even pretend that is my greatest fear when I know I can defeat them so easily now…” Harry though for the first time what his biggest fear was…

“Well then what is your greatest fear?” asked Parvati craning her head around Lavenders in a very Aunt Petunia-ish way.

“Well I…I-I…” he said as he turned back to face the wardrobe that was shaking so fiercely that he was surprised it was still closed. He was not surprised for long.

The door burst open and several people gasped, others hid behind friends, not wanting to see what Harry feared, for they guessed it was Lord Voldemort, and we petrified of the thought of seeing him standing before them. But they were wrong. The boggart stopped spinning and there stood in front of Harry – in front of all the D.A. – stood, Harry.

Everyone including Harry gasped. The sight of himself caught him completely off guard.

“He’s afraid of—” Smith began but was silenced by Fred when he shoved his mouth shut.

Everyone – especially Ron and Hermione – was watching him closely and worriedly. Harry took a step forward and so did the other him. The boggart Harry had an evil smirk across his face. His Boggart self had his bangs pushed up and back to that the whole face was clearly visible. The boggart-Harry had his wand drawn at its side – just as Harry had – but only, that was not a copy Harry’s wand…

The boggart-harry blinked, and the almond shaped green eyes had turned wide, a fierce scarlet, and slits for pupils…like a snakes…

Harry could feel the sweat beginning to come…

It rolled its neck never taking his eyes off Harry, its skin had turned as white as a skull…

A hard lump had begun to form in Harry’s throat…

It did this somewhat spastic head motion to the side, its crimson eyes still on Harry. More gasps and shrieks came from the terrified students as they watched, frightened. Boggart-Harry’s nose turned flat with slits for nostrils…

Just like a snakes…

Just. Like. Voldemort.

It spoke and he heard terrified screams from some of the girls. “Why so scared Potter?” came Voldemort’s icy vile voice. “Don’t you recognize me?” it asked taking a step forward. Harry, who was frozen in fear, wanted to bolt out of there but felt as though the soles of his shoes had a permanent sticking charm on them making him unable to move from where he stood. “Or better yet,” it hissed as it took another step forward, more shrieks and screams came from the watching crowd, “Don’t you recognize  _yourself_?”

Harry finally found the ability to move as he stumbled back a step, as the Voldemort-Harry had taken yet another step closer to him. “You will die soon enough,” it hissed, “but first I will pick off your pathetic little friends, one by one. Or should I say, you – no – we shall pick them off one at a time, since well, were the same.”

It took more steps closer and Harry took steps back. Harry was sweating, panting, terrified. The D.A. was taking steps backwards till finally they were pressed against the wall. Most of them started edging towards the other end of the room.

A sudden pain shot threw his scar. His hand clapped to his forehead causing him to let go of his wand and send it flying. Harry was sweating and panting more than ever his hand still pressed to his burning scar.

“Harry!” Hermione screamed, but that is all she could do. She was afraid to move, afraid to interfere.

Harry fell backwards onto the floor still clutching his scar he let out a scream of pain that had nothing to do with the boggart.

“See Potter, its right in front of you, it is I, it is  _you._ ” The boggart said pointing its wand directly at Harry. “Just look around you, all your weak little friends are terrified of what you have become. They see the truth and they will not stand for it. They realize that the person you are teaching them to defeat… is really  _yourself_.”

He heard cackling laughter echo in his head, but it was not coming from the room… Voldemort was full thrilled… Something had gone right… he was…happy… but not as happy as he was from a few months ago…

“This time Potter,” it hissed, again stepping forward, “your pathetic  _mud-blood_  mother isn’t here to save you.” It stepped closer again so that the wand was inches from Harry’s face.

“ _Avada_  –” the boggart began, but was completely cut off.

Ginny had just pushed herself in between the two, her arms spread out, shielding him. The Boggart-Harry was gone and the boggart was spinning again. With a loud  _crack_  it stopped to face Ginny.

There stood Tom Riddle age 16 holding the Diary. Ginny raised her wand directly at him and shouted;  _“Riddikulus!”_  the boggart was shot back into the wardrobe and was shaking so violently it was likely to burst out again. Ginny then shouted a locking charm on the wardrobe and it locked tightly so that the boggart couldn’t escape.

The pain in Harry’s scar still pricked painfully, gradually increasing. He slightly propped up by his forearm so that he was looking straight ahead, around Ginny, at the place where the boggart had been.

Ginny turned around and Ron, Hermione, Neville, and Luna came forward to him. Slowly followed by some other members, but some stayed where they stood.

Harry’s mind was racing. He just had seen what he had confronted Sirius about at Christmas. Harry believed that he was becoming more like Voldemort by the, short temper, his scar hurt much more frequently, when he looked at Dumbledore, the vision of Mr. Weasley…

Harry now knew that Voldemort wanted him to feel this… to see what he was slowly becoming. He no longer feared dementors; he never feared Snape, Umbridge, or Fudge. He was afraid his friends would get hurt, but they’ve come so far in the D.A. meetings that he knew they could defend themselves very well. He was worried about Sirius and the Order but, Sirius was safe at Number 12 Grimmauld Place, and the Order was made up of Aurors, and professors, that there was no need to worry.

The only thing he had to fear…

Was himself.

What he was becoming.

And the danger he is to everyone around him.

To those he cared about.

To those he loved.

He had flashes of images race threw his memory. First was a giant troll in a girls bathroom. Then was Ron injured on a giant Chess board. Next came Hermione in cat form, a room full of petrified students. Then came Ginny dying on a wet stone floor dairy in hand…Lupin becoming a werewolf, Ron being bitten by Sirius, the muggles at the World Cup. Then came the first task when the Dragon had destroyed part of the school trying to kill him, the second task Ron was put in danger because he was the thing Harry would miss most. Then Cedric… being killed because he was not supposed to be there, killed because harry said to ‘take it together.’ Then came the vision of Dudley being attacked by dementors, and then the attack on Mr. Weasley…

All those people he puts in danger every moment he was near them. Mostly Ron and Hermione… and Ginny…

Her boggart was proof of what happened to her, and that she still carried that guilt… that fear around with her. That somehow – someway – the dairy would come back and take its revenge.

Slowly people began to whisper, and others to ask annoying questions. “What was it saying harry? We don’t speak Parseltonuge!” asked Colin Creevey trying to get a look at him through the crowd astounding him.

Harry had not realized it was actually speaking in Parseltonuge… and he was glad it was… the  _last_  thing he would want at the moment was to let everyone know what that  _thing_  had said, what it had  _told_  him, what it  _had proved_  to him.

“Harry,” Hermione spoke softly as she crouched down next to him. “are you alright?”

Harry did not respond, he was still comprehending what he had just seen…

“Harry,” said Ron looking down at him, “What the bloody hell was that thing?”

Harry stayed there panting, sweating, and scared out of _his_  mind…

Then all around him people were asking questions. “Yeah Harry what was that thing?” “Harry I thought your greatest fear was You-Know-Who?” “Are you alright?” “What was up with your scar? Boggarts cannot hurt you like that!” “Are you  _crying_?”

At the last question Harry finally noticed that his eyes were wet, but they were not tears of sadness, loss, or even fear. They were tears of pain, of realization.

“Harry, it was not real. It was  _not_  real. Whatever it said was a lie.” Hermione said reaching to touch his shoulder, but Harry scooted away from her not letting her touch him.

“Harry…” said Ginny looking down at him reaching a hand out to help him up, or at least that is what it looked like.

Everything started to blur. Colors smearing, bodies rocking, world turning. Words were spoken, pleaded, but they made no sound to Harry’s ears. The pounding in his head grew stronger as his vision started to fade. Colors began to die away. Sounds were a monotone grumble before they evaporated all together. Light dimmed before finally becoming utter darkness, the last thing Harry’s water, stunned eyes saw was a blurry blob of red shield his face.

His thoughts began to dwindle as well… but certain things remained more prominent than the rest…  _I will be their downfall, I am the one tormenting their lives,_  but most of all  _I am the weapon, and I need to be stopped._

**Author's Note:**

> Originally Posted: 12/20/10 on FFnet, has been edited since
> 
> I think this was one of my first fics...? I know it's not THE first but... 2010... it's definitely old.
> 
> come hang out over on [tumblr](http://bellakeyblake.tumblr.com)!


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